Joke Page

A COWBOY TOMBSTONE: Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah. He died not knowing that it would win the 'Coolest Headstone' contest.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not meet each other or you could end up dead like me.

Blonde Jokes

A blonde and her husband were lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog which had been barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumped up out of bed and said "I've had enough of this" and went downstairs. She finally came back up to bed and her husband said "The dog is still barking, What have you been doing?" The blonde said "I put the dog in OUR backyard, let's see how THEY like it!

Two Blondes With Hammers. Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?' Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.' Judy got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'

You might have to think twice about this one. A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied. 'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?' 'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.' 'So then?' asked the doctor. 'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.' 'So then?' 'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

A blonde driving home after a game got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took It to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos... it keeps hot things hot. And cold things cold.' 'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked? 'Why, that's a thermos... it keeps hot things hot & cold things cold,' she replied. Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?' The blond replied...'Two popsicles & some coffee.'

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

A blonde went into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically 'What's the matter?' She replied 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.' The boss, feeling sorry for her, said 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.' She replied 'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.'

A couple of hours passed and the boss decided to check on her. He looked out from his office and saw her crying hysterically. 'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asked. 'No!' she exclaimed. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'

If you stare at this picture long enough, you will see a giraffe.

You know it's time to retire when...

Twisted Puns

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire, causing the kayak to sink and proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess Nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, No pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But They are twins - If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

And the worst of the bunch: These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the "men of God", the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so -thereby proving - Are you ready for this?! That Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Groaners

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

The Reunion...

A group of 40 year old buddies were discussing where they should meet for their reunion dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses there wear low-cut blouses.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group again pools their thoughts and discusses where they should meet. Finally it's agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is also good.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group again discusses where they should meet and it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group again discusses where they should meet and it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group again discusses where they should meet. Finally, it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they heard it was a nice place and they had never been there before.

A little levity for the times ...from the ghost of Rodney Dangerfield.

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
It's so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
The economy is so bad that CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
The economy is so bad McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
The economy is so bad Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
The economy is so bad Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
The economy is so bad the Mafia is laying off judges.
And finally, the economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A little pub humor from across the pond, courtesy of David Holmberg:

An American was in Dublin, Ireland having a few drinks in the local pub...he was bragging about how great America was...how "we are the leaders in science and technology, remember we were the ones who put the first man on the moon."

There were two Irishmen listening to him, and after hearing how much he was bragging about how great America was in science and technology, one of them said, "Putting a man on the moon, that's nothing, we're going to do something better."

The American said what could be better than putting a man on the moon?

The Irishman said "We're going to put a man on the sun."

The American said "You can't put a man on the sun, he would be burnt up as soon as he got close to it."

The Irishman said "Oh, we've thought about that, and we have a solution to that problem."

The American said "Oh yeah, what are you going to do?"

The Irishmen said, "We're going to send the rocket up at night-time."

Got a good one? Send it in and we'll post it here!